Fat Jogger

Man I didn’t want to go. 

I talked myself out of it all the way home. 

“You did a double yesterday.” 

“You can go first thing tomorrow morning.” 

“You’re so fucking tired.” 

“You have to work tonight.” 

But I fucking went. And for the first 15 minutes on the bike I HATED it. I hated the bike. I hated the TVs. I hated the Giants for not scoring a goddamn run. I hated every single person in that goddamn gym. 

My levels of hate at 20 minutes made the previous hate look like a freaking sweet 16 party. Everything was stiff and sore. The foot straps on the bike were too tight, the seat hurt, and the Giants still hadn’t scored a fucking run. 

At 30 minutes I quite simply wanted to burn the fucking building down. 

Finally at about 35 minutes I got over. I got mad at myself for being such a giant pussy and leaned into it. Before I knew it I was humming along and I’d been on the bike a full hour and I’d put in 15 miles (the Giants, however, still hadn’t scored a fucking run). 

So the streak stays alive for another day. If the throbbing in my legs is any indication I’ll be taking tomorrow off… but we’ll see. 

On the train on my way home from work and I can already feel myself not going to the gym.

Fffffffuuuuuuuuck!

Gotta go gotta go gotta go.

Did a bit of a 20 minute walk/jog when I got home from work too. 

Because FUCK my legs, that’s why. 

Anger you guys. Looking back most of the big stuff I’ve gotten done in my life I’ve gotten done through anger.

This is super unhealthy. I know this. Angry, flailing, and fighting yourself and the world is no way to go through life (RIP Dean Wormer), but you know what? So far it’s working.

I slept in this morning. Well not really slept in… I wanted to be leaving the house at 530 to get to the gym, but instead I fought with the snooze button until nearly 5:40. I was going to just say fuck it and go back to bed, but I thought about how lazy that would make me. How fat and pathetic that I’d be for another day (especially after more than a couple beers last night). So I got mad and got my ass out of bed. Then I walked around in circles for a while because I couldn’t find fucking ANYTHING.

Couldn’t find my socks. Couldn’t find my headphones. Got to the car and realized that I didn’t have my wallet (with gym ID). Went back inside and couldn’t find my damn wallet (did I mention the beers last night?). Found my wallet left the house again. Got to the car and realized that I didn’t have my towel (my gym has “gone green” and now requires that you bring your own towel to wipe down machines).

By the time I actually got on my way I was fucking steaming. I was clock watching and realized that I was barely going to have time to get 30 minutes in on the bike. Pissed.

So I start pedaling. My legs hurt. I’m tired. I ate and drank too much the night before so I know that at best I’m only getting back to slightly behind instead of gaining any actual ground. Thanks to the iPhone and Netflix I’m watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer so eventually I cool out a little and settle into a rhythm. I’m not pushing hard, but I’m doing work and I’m starting to wake up. I hit the 30 minute mark and was about to call it a morning, get home, fire up the coffee maker, and feel shitty about my morning. I realize that you’re probably gonna see this coming… But I got mad.

I kicked the resistance up a few notches and went HARD. Did a strong sprint until my legs and lungs were burning and tried like hell to kick a few more times after I thought that I couldn’t anymore.

Lemme tell you something… THAT felt good.

As I sit here typing this I can feel a good honest ache creeping into my legs, but goddamn if I don’t want to try to hobble through a light jog tonight when I get home. I probably won’t, but that’ll probably just piss me off enough to get me out of bed tomorrow.

Angrily yours,

Big Fat Jogger

Ok, wait. This is NOT an “I’m sorry I haven’t blogged in a really long time” entry. Those are for assholes. This is an “I’m an incredibly lazy fucker who hasn’t exercised in quite a while and thus have very little to talk about” blog entry.

It went like this:

I originally started down this sweaty, small  injury plagued path of occasional exercise and slight waistline reduction because I was going on a trip with my missus. She was taking me back to visit her family for the first time so my goals were two-fold 1) to more comfortably fit into the airline seat that would carry me to the midwest (I’m not like Kevin Smith getting kicked off of a plane big, but them seats are a tight squeeze) and 2) To not put the missus through the shame of hauling her fat boyfriend back to her homeland.

So I hit the jogging path and tried to cut out about 1/4 of the total french fries that I consume regularly. I made progress. I was by no means svelte. I certainly wasn’t going to be taking my shirt off in public or anything, but I think was hovering just below morbidly obese. I felt good. I was seeing progress and I had momentum.

Then it hurt. My shins. They hurt a lot.

This is not an excuse. I could’ve rallied. I could’ve soldiered up. Hell, I could’ve gone back to the gym and hit the bike. Instead I got complacent. I let a little pain slow me down. Then after taking a week or two off I lost momentum. Then the trip was right around the corner and I was fat and it was too late and I was going as is. Blerg.

So now I’m back on the attack. And I mean that. I’m actually kind of angry about how shitty I feel. We’ll see if anger motivates me any better than fear.

Ugh.

Here’s a fun exercise fact (because I’m sooooooo in a position to be giving those): Softball uses a completely different set of muscles than jogging. Apparently.

My thighs are hurting and my back is tweaked (surprise… I tend to over-swing).

Also, if you think that it’s a good idea to wear your crappy shoes because you’re just going to be scuffling around in the dirt it isn’t. My blew my heel up real good when I landed on it weird coming into third (I was totally safe). So now I’m off the jogging for a couple of days until I can get out of bed and not fall down in pain. I hate my feet. 

Sigh.

I did NOT want to go jogging on Saturday. I’d been out a bit late the night before and I’m not getting a lot of sleep these days. But fuck it right? I’m certainly not getting in better shape by wishing about it real hard (I’ve tried).

So I went. Test driving my new Nike+ little shoe microchip thingy that’s supposed to track… something.

I’m on week three of Couch To 5K which means a warm up, then 90 seconds of running then 90 seconds of walking then three minutes of jogging then three minutes of walking and then the whole thing over again.

Fuck.

I fucking MURDERED it. Despite the fact that my chosen course seems tailor made so the running parts coincide with the uphill parts I managed to run for the full term for three of the four jogging sections (I clipped a little less than a minute off the last three minute stretch due to impending death) which for me is pretty impressive. I was sweating whiskey and carnitas pretty heavily and my legs felt heavy, but I finished and felt pretty good.

Then I sat down.

Fuck.

I don’t know exactly how to describe the waves of pain that ripped through my lower legs from feet to knees more or less, but Jesus on a pogo stick that shit hurt. Sitting hurt. Standing hurt. So I flopped onto the floor and just laid there for a while. I shotgunned some water and a handful of Advil and eventually the pain cooled out but damn that was intense.

I haven’t been out on the road since and frankly I’m a little scared, but I’m going to try go again tonight.

Side note: The DJ Hero soundtrack is surprisingly awesome to run to.

april5thlove asked: im actually just answering ur question on shin splints.
1 way you know you have them is your shin would have like knots in them kinda, like you can rub your hand down your shin and feel the lumps.
They are SOMEtimes caused by not wearing the right runnign shoes
a way to "aid" it is, when u go for a run rub some biofreeze/icy hot on it. Althetic stores sell sleeves that you can put on your shin also while your running. its good to ice it after your done running and to wrap it up at night...
HOPE THIS HELPS...i know shin splints can sometimes be a killer.

This doesn’t sound exactly like what I’m experiencing so maybe I have some sort of OTHER lower leg affliction that definitely didn’t make me drop the ground and writhe around in pain when I returned from my jog this weekend (full write up on THAT coming soon… there is whiskey involved). Because that would be pathetic right? A grown man dropping to the floor grimacing after about 30 minutes of exercise.  Yeah… that definitely didn’t happen at all. Swears.

Are shin splints a thing? Because I know that I’ve heard of them before, but I’m not 100% sure on the particulars. Frankly “shin splints” sound like something that you would get to help FIX some sort of shin ailment, not the ailment itself.

Anyway, all I really know is that my shins hurt like a bastard the day after a run (really a couple of days).

What do I do about this?

Look you guys… Week three of this Couch To 5K stuff is brutal ok? Three minutes straight of running? THREE MINUTES? Yikes. 

So I made it most of the way without gasping to a stop. Walked for about 20 seconds in the middle of the first 3 minute run and bailed a minute early on the last one, but I ran the full minute and a half on the 90 second stretches so I feel like I accomplished something. 

Minimal pain during and after. I’ll see how I feel in the morning. 

I feel like my legs are getting stronger, now if I can only get my lungs to catch up. 

What’s up with you guys? 

Went on a quick little 3 mile hike this weekend.

Apparently slip sliding down relatively steep inclines while praying that the traction on your totally inappropriate footwear holds uses an entirely different set of leg muscles than the usual walk/jogging because my hips and thighs are KILLING ME. 

Also, there are animals out there. Animals that flit and scurry through tall grass on the sides of the trail and make me freak out because nature is bad and not to be trusted under any circumstances.

But anyway it was a nice little jaunt and once I build up tot he point where I can jog for more than a couple of minutes I think it’ll make a nice occasional alternative to doing laps around the park. At least until I get eaten by a mountain lion (or more accurately get scared by a small lizard and tumble off the trail to my death).

Goooooooood week. Got myself some new running kicks which honestly make a world of difference (no back pain, less knee pain), hit the bike between runs, and shambled my way through a hybrid walk/run 5k (mostly walking). 

Here’s a list of people who passed me during the 5k: 

• Fat guy
• Other fat guy
• Fat guy pushing a stroller
• Guy with a cane
• Fat chick
• Fat chick in jean shorts 
• Fat chick in jean shorts pushing a stroller with a cane (I might have made that up) 

But despite being slow of foot and wheezy of lung I resisted the urge to hang a left at mile 2 and just go home (the route literally circled my neighborhood) and finished strong (a shuffling stumbling sprint to finish mere moments before the heavy chick in jean shorts… a guy’s gotta have his pride). 

Still grinding. Always grinding. 

New shoes, new music, new route. 

More updates coming soon. 

Ok, back in action. Took a couple days off due to late nights at the office and a little hobble in my step, but I jumped back in today. 

FACTS: 

The Weather: Jesus fuck it was hot today. Forecast had it scheduled for about 92 today and it felt like it. 

The routine: Same as before, 20 minutes of running for one minute and then walking for a minute and a half with a five minute warm up and cool down on either side. 

Music: Broken Bells same as before. I need some new stuff. 

Cheating: Real bad today. I walked instead of ran for two of the eight running sections. Just couldn’t get my legs moving when the bell rang. Very disappointed in myself. 

Pain: Not bad at all. I’ve been reading a lot about barefoot runners and although I don’t think I’m tough enough for that yet I’m conscious of the form of it and trying to stay on the balls of my feet instead of crashing down all 330 lbs of myself onto my heels with every step. It feels weird and it’s harder, but even though my wind gave out on me my feet felt fine. We’ll see how everything feels tomorrow (SPOILER ALERT: My feet will hurt). 

What I was thinking about: A couple of things. Mostly I was writing this thing in my head. I’m not sure if that’s helping or hurting. Also I was thinking about how fucking great the BBQ in the park smelled. I think there were like seven different parties going on and they were ALL cooking some kind of delicious meat on their various grills. 

I’ll spare you the image of my big fat sweaty ass IN this shirt, but this to me is a piece of soaking wet evidence that I did work today. I share these things because I LOVE YOU.